Note for Pets

NOTE TO PETS

Dear Dogs and/or Cats:

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your

food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.

Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate

and/or food does not stake a claim for it becoming your

food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in

the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a

racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.

Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you

can run....and you will get squashed.

I cannot/will not buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.

I am not very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue

sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats

can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not

necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out

to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails

straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to

maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom.

If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door

shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the

knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door

open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have

been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance

is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's

butt. I cannot stress this enough!!!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message

on our front door:

To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'niture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people, and they have

better manners than many people too.

4. To you, they are an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son or

daughter who is short, hairy/furry, walks on all fours and doesn't

always speak clearly but communicates quite well telepathically

and/or with sign language.